Remember When We Were Kids? (plus a few questions about your current condition)

Light, curious, easy and mold-able. Bright sponges of adventure with little self awareness and almost no knowledge of whats outside their door step.  Carefree without caution their protectors are never too far away.  They find fulfillment in the small things and their eyes become light beacons as everything is new.  The joy of children and the lightness they bring to an overwhelmed adult life and their timeless energy I wish I could bottle.  Watching them grow is half the realization that I was once small, that I once didn't care to know any better.  I had dirt on my face and sunburned skin.  I was wildly dramatic and insanely adventurous often bringing mud pies as peace offerings to a mother that didn't understand why I would pick all of her prized flowers.  I once was one of them and if I could keep them small forever I would. 

We were all kids and then we grew up.

The point of this all is that I feel as if  I have left a few key elements out of the equation.  You have been a loyal reader and may have some questions as to why I am on the east coast and why in less then 1 year my life is very much different.  

This year I turned 25 and something happened within myself, I finally felt like I was an adult.  Now technically speaking by law we are an adult at 18, but the realization of it all hit this year.  I can't fuck around anymore, I have to start figuring out what the hell I'm doing before a mindless job sucks me in forever.  I don't know about you but we aren't 21 and from the time we were 18,  you and I have grown so much.  Whether or not your aware of your change and progress, its happened and is happening right now.  You are never at a stand still and each day you awake and can change your direction now.  Within five minutes you can as I did months ago when I realized I was an adult now.  I'm not one to get all emotional and mushy on your ass but allow me to give you a healthy pill that won't erase your memory.  Its a small dose of yourself that I believe you can handle.

There's a few questions I would like to ask you, that I asked myself.  You may not like the answers but within yourself lies the true direction.  If you have no idea what hell I'm talking about then you need to start having a well overdue checkup with yourself.  Grab a mirror, a bottle of wine (or vodka) box of Kleenex, light a candle and for god sakes start asking some important questions about your adult self. 

1.  Are you happy?
2.  Do you remember what you ate for breakfast yesterday?
3.  Are your current relationships with friends and family healthy and functional?
4.  Does your job bring you fulfillment/ are you doing what you love?
5.  Do you have many secrets that you feel you can't tell anyone about?
6.  Are you in control of your thoughts? or does your mind often wonder?
7.  Do you have close relationships?  Can you easily create new ones?
8.  Whats makes you happy?
9.  When was the last time you were truly happy and calm?

The answers weren't ideal for me and perhaps they are better for you.  The point of it all is that it's hard to change if you don't recognize a clear problem or if you don's realize your progression.  We will stay in crazy relationships, stay friends with people whom take advantage of you and stay put in a job for the paycheck.  I had to start asking the hard questions and the truth isn't all that saved me.

Someone very special arrived out of nowhere.   His kindness came into my life and lifted me at a time I felt consumed by myself.  The truth laid heavy as huge reminds that my current affairs weren't working.  He took me in and held me through my deceptive stature.  I am not one to admit this, a weakness is not a shade I wear.  He became the key to me finding more and he opened doors where I only saw windows.  For his timing I am forever grateful and for his love I am forever committed. 

 The truth is that when you deal with what you don't want it becomes easier to figure out what it is you do want.  Failing relationship, always wanting more, settling and emotional outbursts just to name a few.  Pleasant reminders that maybe your not in the right direction and the flood gates open for fear and anxiety and that's what started my journey.  I'm not one to welcome that into my life, I'm not ok with the sit still and I wished for luck and luck I received.  I don't know if this hits every 25 year old but something happened and for it I am grateful.  It catches like the flu and you become lost in your current situation which is only a result of decisions made prior.  If its not what you dreamed of, dream harder.

So we aren't kids anymore but we can create more now then ever before.  We can still catch the energy of the children around us.  We are never too old for mud pies and who said building forts aren't for adults.  I am excited for this new adventure and within my spirit I always remember myself as a carefree child bright-eyed ready to explore and create.

Could You be Lost?

I awake late morning, raise slowly to put the tea pot on.  The city is already bustling with fast walkers and negligent cab drivers.  The smell of freshly melted snow swirls magically through the air.  I already pissed a few hours of the morning away but one can easily make up for that.  Walking down steep stairs through a high metal door the morning sun welcomes my face kissing it lightly with well needed vitamin D.  The sunbeams have been dancing longer then one realizes and as you walk out from where you call home you get it.  The more you walk the more you realize how massive the streets expand like arms wrapping you up only to let you go.  The ever expanding pavement seem like it never ends and in some regard they don't.  The beginning possibility of a new life for the newest members of our society started here to created here.  Either made it or didn't.  Became, existed, conquered, fell but mostly wanted more.  You can't not feel the pulse, you can't avoid the feeling of age.  Its everywhere and every year new people come in hopes of success and a new life.  This island was built on the American dream, the American way.  Its the physical reality of the human spirit, its Manhattan.  

Now that I'm not scared shit-less to get lost,  I travel blindly and kinda like it.  Most of us hate the feeling of being lost, its a vulnerability and a realization that we lost our direction.  A direction we are used to "planning." As if you will be lost forever, as if the direction won't find you.  Don't loss faith in your natural ability to find and explore.  Do you think Columbus knew where he was at all times?   He didn't have GPS and all this crazy technology to think for him, he trusted instinct.  At one time we also didn't see the earth as round so he had added fear of falling off the edge.  

The first week I fought with this feeling, I hated not knowing where I was in the massiveness of concrete and brick.  I got bored with always knowing but then got so uncomfortable with not knowing.  The best part of home is knowing where everything is.  The best part of change is finding things you didn't know existed.  Is it a need or want to always know?  What happens if we didn't and we just walked and got lost? Would you explode?  Would you be afraid?  My hesitation to turn off the beaten path became a journey and then turned into a adventure, like the kind I used to have when I was little.  I see faces I would have never seen, I find new hidden streets with names I can't remember. 

Where I once hated being lost, there's more I have found in doing so.  I'm ok, and so are you.  You will always be found wherever you are because you can't fall off the edge.  We all like the comfort of home but make sure this doesn't debilitate your imagination to get off on an unbeaten path. 

So lets get lost together. 

Will You Start Now? My Friend.

We all have a breaking point, a place where we come to and say "this isn't me."  We are resilient, as we will pretend for as long as we can get away with it.  Where our imagination has dissipated overtime from older age, our inner actor comes through and we act our asses of.  The problem with this is that we become the actress and forfit who we really are.  Its an exhausing process, it shakes and wakes your inner core to start listening. 

"Danielle, you have to start listening to yourself."

This quote scared me and saved me all at the same time.  It crushed the inner pretender.  Its like when you watch people that keep playing with fire time after time.  A drug addict that scores more blow, a husband that stays married, but cheats.  A homeless person begging for money on the same corner day in and day out.  We become comfortable with the pretending, and we watch the pretend everyday.  Is it supposed to be this way?  I think not, but comfort is a is a beautiful mask and not knowing any better is a chronic illness of the imagination.

I was given a chance and someone took a risk on me.  My pride took a hit and and in a meeting with my manger at this famous restaurant with this fabulous chef, told me to start listening.  My heart wasn't here, I hardly was.  It wasn't me, and that's hard to admit as part of me once believed it was and secretly I enjoyed the challenge.

When you start listening it becomes pretty clear what needs to happen, getting quiet through the noise is the hard part.  Call it what it is, a horse isn't a cow a cow isn't a horse.  There's more to this life then being someone your not.  I had to redefine me and what is was I wanted. 

I have been chasing a stage my whole life and I'm tried of not having it.  I'm tired of taking jobs I hate, I'm tired of pretending.  Aren't you?  Aren't we all?  I don't like watching it and I don't like being it.  This whole little game isn't going to last forever, you know. 

Hey you, will you start listening to yourself, today like right now.  It starts now and it starts with you, right now my friend.   

And the answer appeared and I wasn't pretending and it felt damn good because it was me, now its you're turn.

Are you "The Shit?"

I have walked into a lions den now 3 days in a row.  Slowly I have tiptoed around a sleeping bear for him to always wake up.  I am new and trust me I must reek of new because it is apparently bait for a hungry bear.  I'm watching secrets of his success and trust me he doesn't release these secrets without a good kick to the ass every five or so minutes.  Sweaty by design, I'm almost sure I'm a dripping puddle by the time he's done with me and for 3 days straight I have faked going to the bathroom to hide my tears.  These people are business, they mean business and they are going to break you down long before you actually get the job.  The simple fact is that in order to work for someone famous you best believe you are "the shit." They run a well lubed machine, day in and day out and someone has to die or leave to get a coveted position there.  Someone didn't die at this place, they got pushed down the stairs in the heat of service from a bitter co-worker.  That was a lie, she got deported.  I walked in and through the means of great timing, got the job.  THE job, like the job people never get but I got.  Why me? (you ask silently as if I can't hear you) because I apparently come off as being "the shit," however deep down I was always meant to be an actress.

He's the captain but his shipmates are even worse.  They crowd around you flooding you so full of ways to do things that by the end of it my head feels like a drum.  They are honest they smell my shit and call it shit.  I like them and they like me however we have been fighting over this for the past 3 days.  Is she qualified?  Can she do it?  "Looks like we are starting from the basic's with you, " direct quote from my beloved shipmate.  He's the small bear who's bite is much worse then his bark, I'll show him.

There comes a point where I ask, how much is too much?  I'm all for learning things but I have to ask when is constructive criticism is all you get for 8 hours, when do you know if and when you're doing things right?  Even when I think I'm right some asshole from left field will say nope, wrong.  WRONG WRONG WRONG.  I feel like I'm 2 again and all you hear is NO NO NO NO, newbie! (minus the newbie part but it's kind of relevant).  They do this to everyone I hear, I am no different.  Most wouldn't talk to me as they had bets I wouldn't last the first day.  I have lasted 3.

There will be a follow up to this, I'm in "the shit" storm right now.  I'm a sailboat without a paddle, salt that's always missing the pepper, a pb&j without bread.  I'm butter without Paula Dean, a nun without her chastity belt, a porn star without a mustache. 

I, I, I..(tears roll gently down blushed cheeks, snot is now visible, long hyperventilating gasps become louder and more pronounced, makeup now resembling Carrot Top lookalike with a slight resemblance to Joan Rivers) am being tested and need to prove that I am in fact, without a doubt "the shit."